Why Do I Feel So Insecure? (II)
I asked that question, you should too
What do I do?
I really had to do something since, the whole thing was eating me up — before the wounds get deeper.
“Do these things ever stop?”… a figment of my thoughts.
That same week, I ensured I was at the hospital, and all I wanted to do was to ask a doctor all of my questions and get ready answers. The doctor did the asking instead, while I gave my honest answers. It had to be because, I needed that affirmation — that something was wrong with me to fully accept what people said about me.
Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. He ran his diagnosis and came back certain I was fine. That report sounded unbelievable, that I told him to confirm whatever he was saying.
All he said was, “Keep eating right and relax as often as you can. Some people are just this way, maybe you’re one. If you aren’t, in time you’d gain more weight without begging for it”.
The last line of his statement got me laughing and for the first time in a very long while, I asked myself why I kept having the awkward feelings about myself, why I listened to every voice all along for so long and why I kept feeling so insecure.
Truly, I had no answers, and that was when it dawned on me that, a lot of us don’t live everyday feeling very good about ourselves. While some people tend to feel insecure sometimes and there are others who do, almost all the time.
For me, this had to be a point of turning.
Overcoming the insecurities…
Feeling insecure isn’t always the issue. Knowing how to deal with it is, where the problem lies.
Rather than hiding like so many of us do, I committed myself to a cause as to dealing with the feelings. If I could ask me all of those questions, and no serious answer came forth, then it meant, things could still change.
Having understood where my insecurities were coming from and the influence it was already having on me, my question became:
“How can I become okay with myself?”
So here’s what I did.
- Make an effort
I got me ready with doses of courage to address my fears rather than paying attention to the things that promoted them. Are you willing to do same?
- Learn to forgive the events of your past
I thought down to the genesis — how it all began. The very comment that initiated the spark, the daily doses of mockery and teases which helped in building the fire and the attitudes, quizzes and comments that rolled in afterwards, which served as a fuel to the fire. I had to let it all go.
They weren’t perfect too and maybe for some, they did it out of their own insecurities. I decided to understand it all.
- Accept yourself and start to engage positive self-talk
When you have listened to all opinions of others, there’s one more to do. Listen to your own voice talking about you in a positive way, and that should be the loudest of all the voices.
I had to be kind with myself and go gentle with me by practicing self compassion and sending all of me doses of love.
I have lost count of the times I told myself — “I am slim and beautiful.”
Some people would love to have what you have. Why not be happy and grateful?
- Approve of yourself
I stopped seeking approval from my friends as to how I looked or didn’t look. I quitted listening to every voice that came around. I needed to take that power from them and accord it myself. That didn’t mean not listening to them when they had a counsel to give but, this was a point where I had to learn how to be myself despite the odds.
Me: How does this dress look?
Voice: Nothing really fits you, why stress?Me: But, it can’t be that bad.
Voice: It is always bad. That’s why everyone keeps talking.
Me: Well said! I’m wearing this today, and every one else can talk like they always do.
If you discover that you are always seeking the approval of another person, their sweet comments, their likes, their retweets, their attention and praises…before getting anything done, it’s time to change that because, you might never get anything done that way.
Get to the point where by, if they do all of these things or do not do them at all, you can still remain your best self.
- Stop comparing yourself with every other person
You have heard it but, I will tell you again. You are unique, you are you. Why should you keep trying hard to live another person? I was slim, maybe very. I stopped seeing every slim person along my route and quitted comparing myself with them. If they were doing great just the way they were, I could also do great, the way I am.
Comparisons aren’t always a healthy thing to do. Often, you do more harm to yourself than good.
- Commit yourself to overcoming the insecurities
This could mean grooming an entirely new behavior, deliberately.
Several times I had to remind myself that I could be okay with me and that’s exactly what was going to happen. It didn’t have to keep happening in my head alone. I had to make things real while, watching how it will unfold.
People never stopped talking. It must be one of the things we do best as humans. Well, I stopped walking away each time.
Rather than getting angry, feeling disturbed or ashamed, I replaced the underlying attitudes with more smiles, more “thank you” and more “thanks for your opinion, it changes nothing.” My habits had to match my belief system.
My mantra became: “ You can’t make me feel terrible without my permission”.
It worked! And with that, I built stronger confidence in no time shaming all my worries.
Extra Notes…
Stop thinking nobody finds you attractive. The way you perceive your body definitely affects how you feel about yourself. You don’t have to wear a make up every damn time, you don’t have to keep wearing wigs even when you are not comfortable. You don’t have to cover up every scar dressed like a monk. Scars are part of what makes us beautiful, and you are.
What’s wrong with being confident? Absolutely nothing!
Stop feeling like everyone is going to judge you, if they truly knew you. Abolish the thoughts that, no one understands the things you are going through, and that nobody cares. Stop trying to fit into what you are not, because every other person looks happier or have the things that you don’t.
Change this narratives.
My story ends…
That these things have been in a long time doesn’t mean that’s how they are meant to be. You can get help and work through your feelings, just like I did.
Fear can tear you apart, if you allow it. But, both our fears and all of our insecurities are opportunities for us to know more about ourselves, develop values and skills that will help us through life. They can also help us live our best lives — feeling like us, while we seek to help others, feel like themselves too.
While it might not be easy, you have to start from somewhere.
This very image up here is me — that slim girl, now a young lady, taller than I was years ago, and still using eye aids.
I won on this one, and you can win yours too.
Click here to read the beginning of this article: https://medium.com/@oluwadunsingrace/why-do-i-feel-so-insecure-i-d61f22274d67
