Why Do I Feel So Insecure? (I)
I asked that question, you can do too
It’s no longer news that insecurities exist every and any where. Oh! You didn’t know? Maybe if you could see through the thoughts and minds of those that you consider to be living perfect or near perfect, you’d realize that we all share in this lot — everyone feels insecure.
What if we thought of it as a part of our lives? You must have been told that, insecurity is peculiar to a person who has no confidence in his or herself. This is true but, haven’t we all touched this mark at different stages in life? Where we felt it all; the anger, the fear, the frustration, the different shades of jealousy, self-doubt…the list goes on and maybe you even still do.
These days, some of the things we know how to do best is to criticize, compare and even go to the extremes of judging ourselves because we tend to see more of ourselves through the mirror of others — what they do, what they say, etc.
Or don’t you do it?
And then, when it’s all sinks in, your perceptions about who you are begins to change and thus, influences what you do and how you do them — your attitudes and behaviors.
You are not alone and feeling insecure isn’t all a bad thing. However, the more we try to pretend that we can make it through life without any fears and insecurity, the more we drift farther from being our selves.
How do I know? This was me, few years ago.
How it all started…
Children using eye aids [glasses] was never an idea I liked as a growing girl. My only reason was that, it looked better on adults because, I held the perspective they needed it more, since they were older and aging could easily affect their eye sight.
This made me admire adults who used one, and several times, I imagined myself wearing one, when I’m old too. What would you expect from an innocent and ignorant child?
Little did I know that I was about to be one of the kids, using glasses.
My eye complaints started in bits and I had to use medications for as long as it helped me in feeling better. That however, did not last for so long as my sight worsened, forcing another visit to the doctors. This time, my visit earned me, an extra pair of eyes — that was what people called it.
Not to forget, I particularly had a very tiny frame. The adjective “Slim” or “Slender’’ described me perfectly. Coupling that with the use of a glasses with small lenses, made me look so small altogether but, I soon got used to my new look although with regular teases and quizzes from my friends, classmates, including my teachers too.
However, things started to change from the day I was denied the privilege of participating in an activity with my classmates after my nomination.
“Let’s vote between the other two persons, she uses glasses”, my teacher said so loudly.
“What was that supposed to mean?”
“When did using a glasses become a yardstick for anything?” I asked no one in particular.
Maybe for the first time, I felt really bad for having to use one, because it sounded to me as though, it was a disability that couldn’t make me do what others could. I was dropped for that reason and my other two mates represented — marking the beginning of an insecurity.
Several things can influence and trigger the feelings of insecurity. It can be associated with crisis of the present or one that happened in the past, loneliness, failure, rejections, criticism, traumatic experiences, bullying, loss and even the environment.
Things got worse…
After that experience, the older I got, the more I disliked being called names or being laughed at for both my size and my eyeglasses. I kept acting like I wasn’t bothered but, the terrible feel always lied underneath.
On getting to the University, I quitted the use of my aids but remained on medications because, I feared having a repeat of my high school experience. Aside that, I appeared confident like every other student, I smiled, I interacted, and anyone could have perceived me to be some one with little or no worries.
But, could that be true? It would be far from the truth.
Well, I should have known better because that changed, but I still remained the slim girl, who was now way taller with an impeding loss to suffer.
In my second year, my sight grew from bad to worse with my ears playing a more significant role in learning than my eyes. Getting along with my academics became very difficult. I knew I had to get back to its use, at least for the love of myself.
While I still had my fears of being questioned and jeered at by people, I summoned a little courage to do so. I really wished people would act oblivious to it, when they saw me but, could they? The questions and comments rolled in frequently such that, getting a comment like : “you look good with or without glasses” was one nice comment out of ten. Getting along with the remaining nine was a task I wasn’t sure I was going to win.
Someone always had something to say. It was either about a frame not fitting, lenses too small etc. Only if it stopped there.
Sooner, I lost weight rapidly and became the thin girl or lady whose clothes hardly fits, who people became afraid of hitting — not even by mistake, just in case I might break, who looked sick several times. As always, people had something to say, and this time picking words on me, like a poet trying to craft a master piece.
A truth is, most of it, never came out right.
I began to feel uncomfortable in my own body. Few days I tried dietary supplements, some days I cried and other days, I just wanted to eat it all, as if it was going to make a difference.
In a quest to feel better, I started comparing myself to every other slim person I saw, asking my friends who looked better. Their responses only got me more sick.
Going out no longer looked like fun because getting what to wear became hard work. I was angry with my dresses and never wore some throughout the year, I was worried about my looks, I was angry at myself for losing so much, I was angry at almost everything, because I felt completely unhealthy.
I knew I was slim but having people to remind me in horrible ways wasn’t something I appreciated. I thought I knew how to deal until I was likened to inanimate objects; a walking stick and a sitting stool. At another time, a person looked at me and the words that followed were…walking bag of bones… eew! This had to be the last straw.
“Is it that bad?”
“Am I that insignificant?”…those were the very questions I asked myself. While I walked away, every of those words I’ve ever heard kept coming back that, I could hardly process any other thought.
Getting late! I was already swallowing this meal with the bait, hook, line and sinker. All that was left for me is a doctor’s medical confirmation and I’d agree that I lost on this fight — which I was already losing anyway.
The effects of insecurity on anyone isn’t always farfetched. If caution is not taken, as we go along in life, the voices of others soon become our own when, we believe in our own insecurities by unconsciously adopting and absorbing the destructive thought patterns towards ourselves and sometimes others.
The underlying behaviors include the inability to relate well with others, having personality disorders such as exhibiting arrogance, bragging which has its root in self doubt, eating disorders, depression and suicidal thoughts, body image issues, isolation, expressing fear in the known and unknown, among others.
What do I do?
At this point, I knew I had to do something and I did something. However, what was it?
Read the second part of this article;
‘Why Do I Feel So Insecure? (Part II).’
